May 2, 2013

day 2: fears

Day 2 of the Challenge!

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and describe how they became fears.

ok, Obvious. I know. I feel that most people fear this! 
I certainly fear it for the unknown factor! When will it happen! How will it happen? What does it feel like it? Will I know it's coming? I hate not knowing! This sounds silly but I'm such a planner, it makes me uncomfortable not knowing what to "plan" for! HA!

As a kid I was ALWAYS picked on! and to be honest I'm not sure why! I came from your typical middle class family, I had good clothes, I showered. Maybe because I was the quiet kid (very shy)? Maybe it was because I was the youngest in my class? Either way, I was picked on. I was told that "I look like a bitch" "I look like Mr. Ed" (Just an FYI.. Mr. Ed's a talking horse....yeah! that does a lot of good to a 13 year old psyche)  Elementary school was actually the worse, Middle school was bad, and High School..well most people have grown up by then and just worry about themselves and their "clicks"! Don't get me wrong! I have friends who accept me and love me! (Most that I can proudly say I'm still friends with) Right Jaz ;) Sexy 6 (that was our "click" of 6 girls in high school! Best Friends, we all hung out in the morning, ate lunch together, and hung outside of school)
However meeting new people, my fear from my younger days kicks in of will they accept me! When people whisper, I wonder if they are whispering about me! Now that I'm a mom it carries over onto my children! Will my kids be accepted? Will they be bullied? There are way to many suicides over kids bullying other kids and It scares me!
Even more so I worry about my Kal! Kal is 4 in a couple months! In October he was diagnosed with ADHD and developmental delays! My husband too had ADHD! When we were going thru the testings my hubby told me that I hope he doesn't have it, I hope this is just a "naughty" stage! After asking him why he told me that he hated having it, even with the meds he never felt "normal" no kids wanted to be his friends because he was to crazy, no teachers liked him because he was hyper. He felt really alone growing up (so much so that he attempted suicide in his teen years) My heart brakes that my hubby had to go 
through that, and I can't help be overly anxious about Kalen being accepted!

HATE IT! Don't get me wrong I love a couple hours to myself to clean, nap, read, blog, relax, etc. But I HATE being alone, especially during the night hours! I LOVE windows but as soon as it gets dark out all the curtains our shut, because I fear someone is looking inside! I lock all the doors and barricade them (Sadly, I'm not joking :/ ) Any little noise makes me jump, and most times I don't even wander the house. I will barricade myself in my room until daylight! I'm so much a nut that I will sleep with my keys and wallet next to bed so that if I need to escape thru a window I have that stuff (usually it sits on the table next to the entry way) And if I have my kids with me, I barricade them in the room with me.   
Weird! I know! I hate it! But, I can't help it! I watch WAY to many horror shows (yes i know they are fake, but it FREAKS me out)! I also watch to many 48 hours, and dateline specials of murders and robbery's! Again, I know that almost all of them are done by someone who knows them! But you NEVER know! 

So... What do you fear?

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